Aging-In-Place: The Reality Check to Your Estate Plan’s Legacy
“Mom, you are a strong woman, but I think what’s going on in Dad’s brain is stronger.” In my head, this statement was going to give my mom the peace she needed to accept my father’s cognitive decline; however, two minutes after saying the words, I had complete regret. My mom quickly ended the call. I could hear defeat, frustration, and sadness in her “alrighty.” With more than twenty years of being an estate planning attorney under my belt, I thought I would be ready for this moment. I am not, and neither are my professional, smart, and thoughtful parents.
“Legacy,” “strategy,” “empowering the next generation,” “philanthropic impact.” These were bread and butter terms spoken during most of my conversations with clients. Every estate plan was a unique puzzle where I pieced together a family’s social, emotional, psychological, and tax planning goals. The “tax tail” often being the factor leading most of their planning decisions, including lifetime gifts of significant wealth. Conversations about preserving wealth for “the worst-case scenario,” previously limited to clients in their 80s, have now become commonplace for clients in their 70s and 60s. Now the conversation, especially with widows and widowers who lost their partners earlier than expected, is lead with “I know my children want me to gift them money, but I need to make sure I can take care of myself.”
“Jen, when we are down to $100,000, can you tell me so I can start to look for a cheap place to go?” Provided neither of my parents’ health care needs change, an improbable aspiration, we will reach that point in 5 years. Several years ago, my mother commented with hope and pride about the legacy she could leave, that the sale of their house after they are both gone would fund their granddaughter’s college fund. Now, their “legacy” is being spent down to support their physical and mental health needs. My parents, who decided to retire in South Carolina where their post-retirement dollars can stretch further, recently moved to an independent community that provides them meals, a 800 square foot 1-bedroom apartment (downsized from a 2,700 square foot 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom single-level house that overlooked a “lake” and was a mile from the beach), and the promise of community with scarcely attended activities. “We never want to burden you” is a phrase I have heard a million times since my grandmother passed in 2003, three months after she moved into my parents’ home. Twelve months after my grandmother’s death, my parents announced their retirement to South Carolina.
Most of my clients never have to worry about getting down to $100,000, or even $1,000,000. None of my clients wants to be a burden on their family. In addition to instilling in us values, such as a strong work ethic, love for our neighbor, and respect for ourselves, my parents’ legacy was to support my brother and me through our education. Now, I see that the dollars they spent in the 1990s to pay tuition directly impact their “age-in-place” options today. I’m sure they see it too, as do my clients who have switched their estate planning priorities to “preservation.”
Is there a middle ground? Recognizing that every family is different in its history, health, wealth, faith, proximity, and structure, among many other factors, I believe there is a middle ground to be found within conversations, borrowing from TLD, “dialogues” that families can have around these issues. Let’s go deeper than “I never want to be a burden,” and “Don’t worry, we’ll always take care of you.” I am taking the liberty of drafting an age-in-place “dream team” of advisors who can moderate and educate clients through these dialogues. First, an experienced social worker or mental health counselor who understands family dynamics and the psychological impact of aging and dependency on every member of the family group. Second, an elder care advocate who is well-versed in the healthcare system, both private and public resources, and can answer questions about “what’s out there” and “how much will it cost.” This advisor would inform the participants of these dialogues, and would also continue as a long-term advocate for coordinating formal and informal (family-provided) care. Next, there would be an experienced wealth planner who can provide a financial strategy to fund the age-in-place plan. The wealth planner would develop a dynamic budget that would empower the client to make decisions in light of different health scenarios. Lastly, the estate planning attorney or elder law attorney would advise and assist with implementing legal documents necessary to execute the plan, and would provide continuing guidance to fiduciaries if they need to make decisions in the event of the client’s incapacity. Consistent with the instructions to “place the mask on yourself before helping others,” I believe this multidisciplinary approach will give clients confidence to resume their legacy planning.
As my parents settle into this next chapter as new residents of “Prima Costa,” as we call it in an attempt to provide some levity to a complex “new normal,” I think about missed opportunities. I believe they are in a safer living situation. I believe having constant social interactions will help their mental health. I also believe that if our family had a dialogue a few years before my parents retired about their next chapters – the healthy ones and the not-so-healthy ones – today’s foundation of financial and social support would be more solid. However, my parents’ retirement started on the heels of supporting my grandmother as she aged-in-place, fifteen years that overlapped with raising their own children. There never seemed to be a “good time” to have this dialogue. Today, our emotions are leading our conversations, making decision-making very difficult.
Whether you are yourself navigating the obstacles of aging-in-place or you are a family member watching from the sidelines, my challenge to the members of the TLD community is to start the conversations NOW. As an estate planning attorney, I believe there is power in having a “plan.” You can have your legacy. Whether it’s writing your grandchild an encouraging note on her first day of college, or writing the check for her first year’s tuition, the opportunity for legacy is there. I believe families can find the confidence to resume their legacies if they can find the courage to have these conversations, and if possible, include professionals who can provide information, expertise, and support to develop an age-in-place plan.
Jennifer A. Civitella Hiliario
Meet the author: Jennifer A. Civitella Hiliario, Esq.
Jennifer has practiced as an estate and tax planning attorney since 2003, and has had her own law firm since 2017. Jennifer works with families and individuals to develop creative estate and tax planning strategies customized to meet her clients’ specific needs. Her approach is to understand each client’s unique goals and objectives and to develop an appropriate estate plan, often through tax-sensitive strategies. Jennifer received her J.D. from Boston College Law School and her LL.M. in taxation from Boston University School of law.
Jennifer is a Founding Advisor of The Legacy Dialogues, she is a key puzzle in the planning of each dialogue and is committed to making a lasting impact in the community.
